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Just
imagine being tormented sexually, mentally and
physically for 12 years by some deranged psychopath
who appears to be somewhat of an animal stalking
it's prey. No human being would survive.
At the age of nine I had a mental breakdown causing
my mind and body to shut down suddenly without
warning. But before this occurred I had already
developed a severe case of Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder, along with Panic and Anxiety Disorder. I
believe that the condition Schizophrenia surfaced
after years of abuse. It was slow to develop but
when it hit, it was fast. The cause became buried
and my world become entangled with delusions,
paranoia, voices and an intense fear of life. My
subconscious automatically stored the cause of my
condition. Even I no longer was aware that I was
lost inside myself. The core of my being remained
intact but was hidden from my awareness. This is
when I became fully involved in my self created
world in order to survive and hide the truth from
myself and others. I was always told I was crazy, a
term I resent still. All together I spent 21 years
being severely impaired and through it all I did not
receive any help. I am sure during my school years
teachers and other children were aware that I was
sick but did not intervene because of there own
fears. If I could not handle the truth how could an
onlooker handle it. I wish somebody would of pulled
me aside and asked me questions concerning my
sickness, it could of helped me instead of isolating
me. It is unfortunate that most people are afraid of
Schizophrenia. At the age of fourteen I was
hospitalized and that experience left me weary of
psychiatrists intentions of treating me. I was
treated like an invisible person, sitting on the
side lines waiting desperately to be approached.
Even though I was sick I still had the capacity to
engage in normal conversation.
I was never told about Schizophrenia and its causes.
The hospital was scary and because of my inability
to remember the cause of my condition I could not
reach out. Schizophrenia controlled my life. More
than anything I wanted to be understood. I did not
talk right, my world seemed coded like I only knew
the secret ingredient to my absurd language and in
many ways Schizophrenia kept me safe. I was not
equipped to handle the truth. People became the
enemy, trust was non-existent and my voice was
silenced. My senses sharpened, my body was numb and
words were scrambled but if someone would of
listened carefully to my the clues in between my
broken sentences the cause would of been discovered
and therapy could of started. Because of the denial
of most mental health professionals recovery was not
possible. I found my experiences with mental
professionals to be impersonal in nature and I was
never treated like a human being with feelings.
Every time I sat in front of a psychiatrist I was
met with disbelief and denial on the doctor's part.
There was also excuses why I could not receive
therapy, some were that they didn't have the time or
the knowledge to treat me.
Nobody knew what to do with me so I was placed in
group homes and out of frustration social workers
ignored me. I was made fun of, laughed at and in
order for the social workers to survive on the job
they told me I had to leave.
At the age of seventeen I was taken to a boarding
house and only after a month I ended up on the
streets without any support. I lived day to day
staying at hostels and sleeping on park benches. I
had no money, my clothes were dirty and I hung with
the other outcasts were it was safe because I knew I
was not welcomed in main stream society. I became a
label. My identity was non-existent, lost in a crowd
a became just another case number. I always felt
like a scapegoat where society could blame me for
all the world's problems. It was a burden thrown at
me, people had forgotten that I was a real person
who deserved a home and respect. After years of
searching for help I gave up on the mental health
system because I knew deep down that they were in
much denial as I was and this is were I gained
insight into how to change. After being told all my
life that my reality was wrong I was going to prove
them different. At the age of twenty-one I had
enough and this is when consciously I was going it
alone. I had a break through for the first time in
my life my delusions were replaced with actual
events concerning the cause of my condition and I
was terrified. The truth surfaced full force and I
was left sobbing for days at a time. My story is too
long to tell in a few pages but I'll tell you one
thing I was awakened by an inner drive to beat this
condition that I had no control over. I had finally
broken free. My three year journey into mental
wellness had began. I was devastated to discover the
truth that I had been living a lie and that I had
been severely abused. It hurt deeply to know that
the cause of my condition had developed because of
the cruel actions of others. I wrote a 332 page
story concerning Schizophrenia and its causes and I
am now pursuing publication and I hope to put all
the myths to rest because this is human life we are
talking about. Anyone living with Schizophrenia is
in severe pain, there is no enjoyment in being sick.
I think I can speak for everyone with Schizophrenia
because even though the cause might be different the
symptoms are the same. More than anything we need a
strong voice to dispel popular belief that
Schizophrenia is an incurable disease of the brain.
Once these myths are laid to rest I believe that
real progress will be made. Until then people will
continue to suffer silently and the public will
continue to be misled. I believe once people start
to recover they will be put in the position to help
others in understanding this misunderstood condition
called Schizophrenia. It would be a great benefit to
society, mental health professionals and families to
educate them in order to make sure the so called
mentally ill are heard.
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