The following is an Article that is written by a woman who has made a presentation before on my web site. The major reason I am prefacing this Article is because it represents an unusual effort on her part to talk about her experience as a person with a diagnosis of psychosis. It also says without question that even the most difficult and regressed individual can change and overcome this difficult and the painful condition. Contrary to the opinions set forth by cynics and pessimists whose attitudes keep individuals like Kim embedded in their condition. It’s always been disturbing to me to meet people who have that sense of hopelessness but then after traveling throughout the world and working with professionals and their patients, I understand the reasons why. The people who I believe are hopeless are those professionals who because of whatever the reasons are, refuse to invest the energies necessary along with respect and consideration that will help other people regain a positive attitude. I have never seen a person with serious mental illness (SMI) who couldn’t recover. Unfortunately, and tragically they fall into the hands of people in the profession who don’t care enough to treat them with respect and understanding that we are, in the words of Harry S. Sullivan, “nothing more than simply human”.

J. Rosberg, Ph.D.

WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE PSYCHOTIC
BY: Kim Bartlett
Email - Stevekimbob1@wmconnect.com

Have you ever wondered what it was like to be psychotic? Allow me to give you a quick overview. It can start with the simplest of experiences. I can recall hearing my name being called even as a young child when no one ever actually called my name. At times the world seemed to be very bright, literally it looked bright outside, or at times it seemed very dark. Your perceptions are sometimes confused. The ground may appear to move up or down making it difficult to keep your balance. Even my smell was at times off; smelling things such as rubbing alcohol would permeate my nostrils. I believed without exception that people were plotting against me, always watching me and commenting on my actions. Paranoia is no stranger to me. At times I believed people were actually trying to poison me by putting chemicals in my coffee or lacing my medication. I trusted no one; everyone was a possible risk to me. Even my own mother was a suspect—believing she could be putting stuff into my food. At one point I thought my skin was rotting off, it even looked black to me. And the voices, well they are no picnic either. The voices would talk to me constantly, always commenting on my actions. At times the voices would comment on every move I made. I would be in bed and want to turn over and the voices would say,“look, she is going to turn over now”, “now watch her, she is going to smile now”. This went on for hours at a time. There were those very few times I would try to try on clothes in a department store and the voices would start in with there commentary, “look, she can’t fit into that”. I was so paranoid that I would hang the clothes back on their hanger just like I had taken them off because I believed people were watching me through a two-way mirror. I believed this without exception, even though there was no mirror to be seen, I thought they could see me through the ceiling. At one point I remember trying to do some STATS on a computer for a professor I was working for and I thought the computer was watching me and taking note of my progress. I actually believed the computer could see me. One time I was hospitalized for the psychosis and I thought the nurses were clowns because of their make-up, it seemed very exaggerated. At other times the nurses looked to be angels. I can recall being catatonic too. I would lie for hours in one position because the voices wouldn’t let me turn over. I knew in my heart of hearts that someone was watching me and just waiting for me to turn over, so I wouldn’t. I believed there were tape recorders and monitoring devices in the closet of that hospital room too. The only words I could muster up to say out loud was “I’m trying to be good”, I believed I was a small child at that point. After leaving the hospital that time I continued to be very paranoid, I couldn’t even look at my mother without getting angry. So I refused to look her in the eye for months after wards. I also remember another time when I had no memory of going to the hospital or coming home. I knew I had been there for a brief stay because my boyfriend told me about it, otherwise I had no memory. There were many things that I could never quiet master, such as math and English structure in school. I believe it was because my mind was so focused on my own internal turmoil that I couldn’t concentrate long enough to learn. Psychosis is the worse thing I have ever experienced, and the paranoia is without exception the worst part about it for me. Some people with psychosis are unable to remember their experience, but for me, my memory is alive and well. I think it is probably a good thing that I do remember because it has helped me to come to terms with my schizophrenia and learn immensely from it. Psychosis is sometimes a scary thing for sure, but it is extremely important to remember that we are human, with human frailties, just like everyone else.

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