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The
following Newsletter was written by a man who has
experienced schizophrenia and is willing to share
his ideas with us. I am impressed with his efforts
and also the fact that he was able to turn his past
into a productive lifestyle, working with
individuals who are experiencing serious mental
illness. He lives in New Zealand and his name is
Gary Dudding.
If you have any interest or wish to comment on what
he wrote, please let me know at my
e-mail address
JARosberg@aol.com and I will send your messages
to him.
Introduction and writing by Gary Dudding
I’ve noticed that I’ve repeated the same idea over
in different words. This I think is done to impress
upon myself the desperation that an acute sufferer
feels. To him it is no laughing matter; his
existence hangs precariously in the balance unless
he moves to protect it. If these words do not strike
a chord in you does it really matter? If it causes
you to ponder and know your own wisdom then it has
been useful. In that light no communication need be
a waste of time.
Terminology
Often we come across terminology to describe Life
that we would not use ourselves or are unfamiliar
with. Some speak of God, some of Love and others of
the Universe. To communicate better with each other
we need take a moment to integrate each other’s
terms into our understanding.
Observing Schizophrenia
Our brother experiencing schizophrenia lives out
dreams of despair, hatred and rage that are rooted
in a vision. It’s a vision of fear, of oblivion, of
an eternity in some tortuous hell and he perceives
it being rained upon him by everyone and everything.
The vision is a lie, an illusion; nevertheless his
life is consumed with attacking that which he is
sure has been sent to destroy him. This he does with
a violence and rage based in fear that his eternal
existence is in danger and so is forced to protect
it at all cost. There is no peace, there is no joy,
only continuous vigilance against those who would do
him harm. This is the experience of the acute
schizophrenic. The longer he continues rooted to
this single sponsoring thought, this horrific
destruction, the more real it appears, the more
desperate he becomes.
A Bi-Polar Experience
In an attempt to escape these terrible visions,
through shear willpower, our sister gathers her
strength and attempts an all-out assault against the
nightmare. Dreams of invincibility fill her mind in
an attempt to crush it in every instance, moment
after moment, thinking she is defeating oblivion and
gaining her escape. Soon follows collapse as her
continuous attacks against hell tumble around her
and she sinks back into despair, beaten again. The
attempt, being attack in a different guise, was
futile, but she will try again thinking this time,
this time she will win the battle.
Attack, the Mistake
Despite the futility our brother clings to attack as
if it were a friend thinking it offers him
protection and safe passage in the world, that by
seeking the death of everything he perceives is
seeking his he will finally be free. To our brother
it is simple: Destroy or be destroyed. Do what it
takes to halt the fires of hell descending upon him.
It is in attacking that our sister makes her mistake
for in attacking she becomes that which she is
seeking to escape; violent, full of rage, then in
despair. All her attempts but draw her imaginary
nightmares closer to her breast and make what is not
real seem even more likely.
This is the mind of insanity, a mind that knows no
peace, that remembers no joy, that thinks death will
be forced upon him unless he moves to mercilessly
stamp it out.
This is the faulty thought system that causes her
grief but she will not let it go, for in doing so
she is sure she will be defenseless against hell and
her destruction will quickly follow.
A Field of Infinite Possibilities
The journey into psychosis is always unique. Not one
brother is the same as another because each has
chosen thoughts and experiences from a field of
infinite possibilities. In the healing relationship
we cannot limit ourselves to what we already know
but must always remain open to an infinite field of
possibilities. We do not know what will cause our
brother to remember himself. It could, in all
seriousness, be the way you hold your tongue or the
humming of a tune that tips the scales.
THE FIRST GIFT
When we first look into the eyes of our sister and
see the terror that holds her stirred is the deepest
of yearnings to run endlessly to her aid, to extend
to her peace of mind. This is The First Gift,
inspired by our sister, in us.
Failure is Not an Option
We are indebted to our brother for without his being
sick we could not experience ourselves being his
healer and would find ourselves without purpose.
Knowing this, there is only one acceptable attitude
and one acceptable response: "My brother, I am the
way. Follow me". Failing to do this is a betrayal
beyond words and so we remain always willing in
guiding him back to sanity.
The Healing Relationship
In extending peace of mind to our brethren we never
speak to his illness but keep reminding him of the
way he already knows but has merely forgotten. He
will not agree with what we are doing and fight
against us constantly and this is where our strength
is required in holding on to sanity for him. His
disagreement does not matter because it is not
necessary in ensuring the beginning of his recovery.
We keep enforcing sanity because every action rooted
in Love will have a positive effect and constant
reinforcement brings its rewards.
Using punishment requires the infliction of pain and
serves no purpose. How does inflicting pain add to
what needs be done? Why would one harm a child for
making an error? Instead we consistently enforce
consequence which observes an error has been made
and requires correction. (I do not consider forced
confinement to be punishment but an opportunity for
someone to consider their next course of action.) We
express gratitude for and rejoice at each small step
in a positive direction for it is an achievement
worthy of celebration. And when the way forward is
not clear to us we sit, we ponder, we yearn to know.
In the twinkling of an eye the answer appears within
our being and joy floods us in the implementation of
this new idea and we know our purpose is being
fulfilled.
Our Brethren’s Return
And so it is, we forever extend peace of mind to our
sister while looking forward to the day she
remembers that salvation is hers by laying aside her
murderous rage, sickening despair and vicious
attacks like toys that no longer interest her. We
look into her eyes and see she has relinquished the
need to attack and the terror that surely follows it
has gone. She chooses instead a journey of joyous
laughter and the peace of mind she always deserved.
Her steps are still unsteady so we softly tend to
her while her legs grow strong.
Then shortly will come the day when appears in her
the deepest of yearnings to run to the side of her
brethren and say, "My sister, follow me. I am the
way".
Written by
Gary Dudding
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